How to Lose a Valentine in 10 Ways (Satire)
By Iris Buckley
With Valentine’s Day coming up, and the soul-sucking trait of social anxiety, kindly rejecting a Valentine can be hard. Fear no more! Here are 10 ways to lose a Valentine before they ask!
1. Mixed Signals
To start off, giving or receiving mixed signals can be so confusing that some people just give up. We need to make sure the person giving up is you-know-who and not you! Whenever they text you never use any capital letters, always type in lowercase letters. Even with exclamation points, always use a period. Now when you are both together in person, talk at the loudest level possible, even yell if you want to freak them out more! This will result in them confused and half-deaf!
2. Bad Hygiene
No one likes bad hygiene, so let’s make sure you have the worst! If you already feel dead inside, fantastic, you’re already halfway there. Now we need to make you smell as dead as you are on the inside on the outside! Skip showering — who needs it anyway? Brushing your teeth has been done so many times, you should lead the way by putting that toothbrush down! Don’t bother with your hair either, it’s as stubborn as my will to live. Now when you see you-know-who, stand super close to them until you see their nostrils shriveling up! Once they start gagging, you can leave. Mission Accomplished!
3. Bad Communication
When you’re around someone you like, you want to learn more about them. It’s a heartfelt connection with someone when they can really see you. Let’s make sure that doesn’t happen! If you’re asked a question just stare into their soul until they are weirded out and look away in fear. Then giggle like the maniac you are — don’t be afraid to embrace it! This way, no one can understand you or know what you like.
4. Get Too Close/Touchy with Other People
Someone who likes you will be nervous when you’re touchy with other people. This is a natural human response when we like someone. We need to make sure they not only feel nervous but discouraged too! When you are with you-know-who and a friend, make sure you are leaning all over that friend. Grab their arm, rub your heads together, and make sure to latch onto their legs so they can’t run away when they’re freaked out! This will definitely make you-know-who discouraged!
5. Flaky
No one is flakier than Frosted Flakes so for this step, you want to come to school in a life-sized Frosted Flakes box. Make sure to cut arm and leg holes, then strut your flakes like the cereal you are!
6. Wear Too Much Perfume
After taking absolutely no care of your hygiene (refer to Step 2), now we want to make you-know-who’s nostrils shrivel up again from a different scent. To start this step off you’ll need to obtain at least 15 perfumes, and if they’re different scents, even better. Now fill a bathtub with perfume and no water. Then take your relaxing bath (it helps to have a gas mask on). Once you finish, dry off and spray some more on. Now when you go to school, you’ll be sure to not only scare you-know-who away but also make everyone you walk by pass out!
7. Lack of Responsibility
A lack of responsibility can make someone lose trust in you. This gives you the best opportunity to show them they cannot trust you in the slightest! If you have a bat or brick, perfect. Make sure to get their address, don’t mind the scared looks from the people you ask, it’ll pay off in the end. Once you get their address, break into their house and smash everything you can. Be sure they are watching as well. Then give them the weapon and say you have no idea why they would smash their own things. If they try stopping you in the process, whack them too, just to add insult to injury!
8. Lack of Sympathy
Being with someone with a heart feels great. The comfort and care they give is unconditional. Let’s make sure you come off as heartless as the person writing this article! Firstly, you want to watch American Psycho at least 3 times. Make sure you take notes! When you go back to school, imitate Patrick Bateman so much that you become him. Don’t be afraid to assert your dominance! Perfect reason for them to re-think asking you!
9. Narcissistic
It’s hard being around someone who is too into themselves, so we need to make sure you act like you’re the only person on earth. The first thing you want to do is break into their house again (refer to Step 7) and spray paint all their clothes and accessories a reflective silver. Now when they come to school, they will not only look like a disco ball but also a human mirror. This will be sure to tell them how much you love yourself and not them!
10. No Attention Spared
When you feel ignored by someone you like, it can be very disheartening. We’re going to make you a human ‘No attention to spare’ sign. Grab a stop sign located in your neighborhood. You’re going to spray paint it black and then write with a bright colored marker ‘Do Not Disturb.’ After you do this, attach it to suspenders and wear this around school. This will be sure to show that person that you have no attention to spare!
Once you have completed this last step, you should have scared off you-know-who so much that they won’t ask you to be their Valentine. If you exceeded the expected outcome, you should have no Valentine for as long as you attend that school! Great job, now you can keep planning your romantic day for one!
The Shoemaker Bugle 